It starts small. A random message. A story reply. A “Hey, saw this and thought of you.” You pause before answering, but not for long. You’re just being friendly. It’s no big deal. You’re in a relationship now. You love your partner. You’re happy.
So why does this still feel like you’re playing with matches near a gas tank?
If you’ve found yourself talking to your ex while being in a new relationship and wondering if you’re in sketchy territory, this post is for you. We’re diving into the gray area most people pretend is black-and-white.
Spoiler: It’s complicated. But that doesn’t mean we can’t make sense of it.
Why You Reached Out (or Answered)
Let’s be honest. You didn’t text your ex because you forgot what happened. You didn’t forget the late-night fights or the three weeks of silence or how awkward the last goodbye was. You remember all of it. You just didn’t expect it to hit this weird emotional nerve.
Sometimes it’s curiosity. Sometimes it’s nostalgia. Sometimes it’s boredom dressed up as “closure.”
And sometimes, it’s ego. That tiny thrill of still being wanted. Being remembered. Being relevant.
You’re human. This doesn’t make you evil. But if you’re not clear about your intentions, things can get messy fast.
Is It Really “Just Talking”?
Let’s be real. Most people who say “we’re just talking” know exactly why they added the word “just.”
If you have to justify it, if you’re hiding the messages, if your phone suddenly flips face-down every time you get a text, then no, it’s not innocent.
You can technically be faithful and still be emotionally shady. Emotional cheating isn’t about sex. It’s about secrets, energy, and emotional investment you should probably be putting into your current partner.
It’s about talking to someone you used to kiss while pretending it doesn’t mean anything.
How Would You Feel If the Roles Were Reversed?
Would you be cool if your partner was texting their ex late at night?
Would you brush it off if they said, “It’s just a friend now” but acted weirdly defensive when you asked to see the messages?
Most people get real clear on boundaries the minute they imagine themselves on the other side of the equation. If the thought of your partner doing what you’re doing makes your stomach flip, that says a lot.
The Most Common Excuses (and Why They Don’t Hold Up)
“We’re just friends now.” Sure. Some exes do become genuine friends. But friendship is built on transparency. If you wouldn’t bring it up with your current partner, then it’s not really above board.
“They needed someone to talk to.” You’re not their therapist. You’re their ex. There’s a difference.
“I just wanted closure.” Closure doesn’t usually come via text. And if it does, it comes before your new relationship, not in the middle of it.
“I didn’t think it would matter.” If it didn’t matter, you wouldn’t be keeping it a secret.
So, Should You Tell Your Partner?
Short answer: Yes.
Longer answer: If you’re afraid to tell your partner because you’re worried about how it will look, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell them. It means you already know this is a line you probably shouldn’t have crossed.
Your relationship should be a space where honesty beats discomfort. If it can’t survive a tough conversation, it’s already on shaky ground.
If You’re the One Who Found Out
Let’s flip the script. If you’re the person who found out your partner is still talking to their ex, don’t gaslight yourself into thinking you’re overreacting.
Your feelings are valid. Whether it’s occasional texts or full-blown late-night convos, you’re allowed to feel uncomfortable.
Ask yourself: Is it the messages, or the secrecy around them, that really hurts? Most of the time, it’s both. And you deserve clarity, not half-truths wrapped in guilt-trips.
When It’s Actually Harmless
Sometimes the ex is part of a shared friend group. Or you co-parent. Or you’re just genuinely in a neutral, drama-free place.
If there’s no secrecy, no flirtation, and your partner knows everything, then maybe it is just talking. The key here is transparency. If your relationship is strong and communication is clear, you can absolutely coexist with an ex without turning it into a soap opera.
But that’s the exception, not the rule.
What to Do Next (Depending on Where You Stand)
If you’re the one talking to your ex:
- Be honest with yourself. What are you getting out of it?
- If it’s something you wouldn’t want your partner doing, stop.
- Decide what matters more: your current relationship or the comfort of familiar conversations.
If your partner is talking to their ex:
- Bring it up calmly, but directly. Ask for clarity, not confrontation.
- Watch how they respond. If they get defensive, there’s probably more going on.
- Set boundaries. Respectfully, but firmly.
If you both still talk to your exes:
- Make sure you’re operating on the same page.
- Establish boundaries together. No secrets, no sketchiness.
- Keep the trust strong by being upfront about interactions.
Talking to your ex while in a relationship isn’t a crime. But it’s not automatically innocent either. It depends on context, intention, honesty, and boundaries.
Ask yourself the uncomfortable questions. Be willing to have the awkward conversations. Protect what you have, not by being perfect, but by being transparent.
If you’re not sure where the line is, here’s a hint: if you feel like you have to hide it, you’re probably already over it.
FAQ: For the Overthinkers and Nighttime Scrollers
Is it ever okay to talk to your ex while dating someone else?
Yes, if you’re open about it, it’s genuinely platonic, and your partner is aware and comfortable.
Do I have to tell my partner every time my ex texts me?
Not every single time. But if it turns into a conversation or something you’d hesitate to show them, it’s probably worth mentioning.
What if I genuinely miss my ex as a friend?
Friendship with an ex is possible. But your loyalty belongs to your current partner. They get a say in the boundaries.
Is deleting texts a red flag?
Yes. If you’re deleting messages, you’re already treating the interaction like something to hide. That says a lot more than the texts themselves.
Can you emotionally cheat without realizing it?
Absolutely. That’s why it’s important to check your intentions, your boundaries, and how much space your ex is taking up in your emotional life.
Not every connection from your past needs to stay alive in your present. And not every conversation with an ex is a betrayal. But if you’re serious about your current relationship, it deserves more than “It didn’t mean anything.”
Mean something. Choose something. Be intentional with your love.
