There it is.
You have been talking to someone on a dating app for twenty minutes.
Things are going pretty well.
Then they ask:
What are you looking for on here?
And somehow a completely reasonable question suddenly feels like a job interview.
What do you say?
“I want a relationship” sounds serious.
“I am just seeing what happens” sounds like you have no idea what you are doing.
“I want to meet someone” tells them absolutely nothing.
And if you actually like the person asking, now you are even more tempted to give whatever answer you think they want to hear.
Do not do that.
The best answer to what are you looking for on a dating app is not the cleverest one.
It is the answer that tells the truth without making a stranger feel like you have already selected wedding invitations.
You can be clear and still sound relaxed.
Here are some replies you can actually use.
What Does “What Are You Looking For?” Mean on a Dating App?
Usually, they are trying to figure out whether the two of you are looking for the same thing.
That is really it.
They may want a serious relationship and do not want to spend three weeks talking to someone who only wants something casual.
They may want something casual and are trying not to mislead you.
They may not be completely sure what they want and are wondering whether you are.
Or maybe they have already had several dating app conversations where everything seemed great until they discovered the other person wanted something completely different.
So try not to hear the question as:
Please explain your entire romantic future immediately.
Most of the time it simply means:
If this goes well, what are you hoping it turns into?
Much easier question.
Best Answer If You Want a Serious Relationship
You do not need to apologize for wanting one.
You also do not need to say:
I am looking for my future husband and would ideally like to be married within eighteen months.
Especially if you have exchanged six messages.
You can make your intentions clear without making the conversation feel heavy.
Try:
I am looking for a relationship with the right person. I am not trying to force anything, but that is ultimately what I would like.
Or:
Something serious eventually. I would rather get to know someone naturally and see if we are a good fit.
Or:
I am dating with the hope of finding a real relationship. What about you?
Or:
I would love to meet someone I genuinely connect with and build something from there.
Or simply:
A relationship if I meet the right person.
That last answer is perfectly good.
You do not need to turn every text into a TED Talk.
What to Say If You Want a Relationship but Do Not Want to Sound Desperate
First, wanting a relationship does not make you desperate.
Wanting a relationship with literally anyone who will agree?
Different story.
That is why adding with the right person works so well.
You are not saying:
Please choose me immediately.
You are saying:
I know the general direction I am dating in, but I still care who I go there with.
Try:
I am looking for something that could become serious if the connection is right.
Or:
Ideally a relationship, but I am not trying to rush into one just for the sake of being in one.
Or:
I would like something meaningful. I still want to take the time to actually get to know someone first.
Or:
Something real with someone I actually enjoy being around. I feel like that second part gets forgotten sometimes.
That last one feels especially natural because, well, it is true.
What If You Are Open to a Relationship but Not Trying to Force One?
This is probably where a lot of people actually are.
You are not looking for a random relationship because you have decided Thursday is the day you must acquire a partner.
But if you meet somebody great, you are absolutely open to something serious.
Say that.
I am open to something serious if I meet the right person. I would rather see how the connection develops than force a label immediately.
Or:
I am hoping to meet someone I click with and see where it goes. I am definitely open to a relationship.
Or:
I am not in a rush, but I am dating because I would eventually like something meaningful.
Or:
I am open minded about how quickly things develop, but I am not looking to waste anyone’s time.
Clear.
Relaxed.
No mystery.
What If You Honestly Do Not Know What You Are Looking For?
Then say that too.
You are allowed to be figuring it out.
Especially if you recently became single or have not dated much.
Just try to be a little more useful than:
IDK lol.
That does not give the other person much to work with.
Try:
I am still figuring that out a little. I am open to meeting someone and seeing what feels right.
Or:
I do not have a strict outcome in mind yet. I mostly want to meet good people and see whether something develops naturally.
Or:
I am open right now. I do know I want honesty and good communication, whatever it turns into.
Or:
I am not trying to rush into anything, but I am also not opposed to something serious if I meet someone great.
That tells them much more than pretending you have a detailed relationship plan when you do not.
What If You Want Something Casual?
Be honest.
Seriously.
Do not tell somebody you are looking for a relationship because you think that is what they want to hear.
That conversation does not improve with age.
You can say:
I am keeping things pretty casual right now and just enjoying meeting people.
Or:
I am not looking for a serious relationship at the moment, so I want to be upfront about that.
Or:
I am dating casually right now. I would rather be honest about it than give someone the wrong idea.
Notice what none of these answers do.
They do not insult the other person.
They do not make promises.
They simply explain what you can actually offer.
That is useful.
What If a Guy Asks “What Are You Looking For?”
Do not immediately assume he is secretly testing whether you are going to demand commitment.
He may simply want to know whether your goals match.
If you want something serious:
I am hoping to meet someone I genuinely connect with and eventually build a relationship. What are you looking for?
If you are open but taking your time:
I am open to something serious, but I like getting to know someone without forcing things too quickly.
If you are unsure:
I am still figuring it out a little, but I am definitely interested in meeting someone I enjoy spending time with.
Then ask him the same question.
This part matters.
Do not spend fifteen minutes crafting the perfect answer and forget that you are supposed to learn what he wants too.
You are not being interviewed for the position of girlfriend.
You are both figuring out whether this makes sense.
What If a Girl Asks “What Are You Looking For?”
Same basic rule.
Tell the truth.
If you want a relationship:
I would like to find a relationship with the right person. I am happy taking the time to get to know someone first.
If you are open to one:
I am open to something serious if I meet someone I really click with. I am not trying to rush anything.
If you are dating casually:
I am keeping things casual right now, so I want to be upfront about that.
The answer does not need to impress her.
It needs to help her decide whether what you want fits what she wants.
That is actually the whole point.
Flirty Answers to “What Are You Looking For on Here?”
Sometimes the conversation is already playful and a formal relationship statement feels weird.
You can flirt and still answer.
Try:
I was hoping to find someone interesting. You are doing reasonably well so far.
Or:
Good conversation, a great first date, and then we can negotiate the rest.
Or:
Someone who makes me want to delete this app eventually would be nice.
Or:
Ideally someone I like enough that I stop having to answer this question.
Or:
A reason to stop swiping would be a pretty good outcome.
Or:
Someone cute, funny, and easy to talk to. No pressure, but you are currently being evaluated.
That last one only works if your conversation is already playful.
Please do not send it to someone who has communicated entirely through complete sentences and no emojis.
Read the room.
Funny Answers to “What Are You Looking For?”
If you genuinely like joking around, try:
At this point, someone who can make plans and actually show up would be exciting.
Or:
A person who knows how to ask a question back. My standards have become very glamorous.
Or:
Someone who eventually makes me forget my dating app password.
Or:
Good conversation and a reason to stop seeing the same twelve profiles every week.
Or:
Ideally love. Realistically, I would settle for someone who does not disappear after suggesting Saturday.
The joke should still reveal something real.
That is why it works.
You are answering without sounding like you copied a pickup line from somewhere.
Short Answers You Can Copy and Paste
Sometimes you do not need a paragraph.
Use one of these:
A relationship with the right person.
Something meaningful if the connection is there.
I am open to something serious, but I like taking things naturally.
Someone I genuinely enjoy spending time with and seeing where it goes.
I am dating intentionally, but I am not trying to force anything.
Something real eventually. I am happy getting to know someone first.
I am still figuring it out, but I am open to meeting someone great.
A genuine connection. What about you?
Those are enough.
Do not write seven sentences because you think a longer answer looks more emotionally mature.
Sometimes emotionally mature people know when to stop typing.
What If They Ask “What Are You Looking For in a Relationship?”
That is slightly different.
Now they may be asking about the kind of relationship you want rather than whether you want one at all.
Instead of listing fourteen personality traits, focus on a few things that actually matter.
For example:
Someone I can communicate openly with, laugh with, and build a stable relationship with.
Or:
I want something where both people make an effort, communicate well, and actually enjoy doing everyday life together.
Or:
A relationship that feels supportive, fun, and consistent. I do not need perfection, but I do want someone who shows up.
That sounds much more human than:
Loyalty, honesty, communication, respect, trust, integrity, kindness, ambition, humor, confidence, family values…
At some point you are reading the company mission statement.
Pick what really matters.
What Not to Say When Someone Asks What You Are Looking For
One answer I would avoid is:
Whatever happens happens.
What does that mean?
Would you like a relationship?
Are you looking for something casual?
Would either work?
Do you have any idea?
Sometimes people say this because they want to sound relaxed.
Instead, they sound like they are avoiding the question.
Another answer that usually creates problems:
I am just going with the flow.
Again, where is the flow going?
You can be open minded without being completely vague.
Try:
I am open to seeing where a good connection goes, but I would ultimately like a relationship.
Much better.
Be Careful With “No Expectations”
This one sounds healthy.
Sometimes it is.
But if you actually want a serious relationship, saying:
I have no expectations.
can attract people whose relationship expectations genuinely are zero.
Then three months later you are upset because the person took you literally.
You can have expectations without deciding the entire future before the first date.
For example:
I am not putting pressure on any individual connection, but I am dating because I would like a relationship eventually.
That makes sense.
You know what you want overall.
You simply do not know whether this particular stranger is the person you want it with.
Which is incredibly reasonable considering you currently know their first name and favorite brunch place.
Do Not Give the Answer You Think They Want
This is the trap.
You really like their profile.
They seem attractive.
Funny.
Interesting.
Then they ask:
What are you looking for?
And suddenly you start trying to guess their answer before giving yours.
Maybe you want a serious relationship, but you worry that saying so will scare them away.
So you write:
Just seeing what is out there and having fun.
Except that is not what you want.
Now imagine they say:
Same.
Congratulations.
You successfully attracted someone by pretending you wanted the exact thing you do not want.
Excellent strategy.
If your honest answer makes someone lose interest, that is not a failed conversation.
That is useful information arriving early.
What If They Say “I Am Just Seeing Where Things Go”?
Do not automatically panic.
Ask one more question.
Are you open to a relationship if you meet the right person?
That clears up a lot.
Someone might say:
Yes, definitely. I just do not like rushing things.
Fine.
Another person might say:
Honestly, I am not really looking for anything serious.
Also fine.
Now you know.
The phrase itself is not the problem.
The problem is when somebody keeps things deliberately vague because they know the honest answer would probably make you leave.
What If They Say “I Do Not Know What I Want”?
Believe them.
Do not immediately think:
Maybe they will know once they meet me.
Maybe.
But that is not information you currently have.
If you want something serious and the other person has no idea whether they want a relationship at all, you need to decide whether you are comfortable exploring that.
You do not need to convince them.
You definitely do not need to become so wonderful that they suddenly discover commitment.
You are looking for compatibility, not a conversion project.
What Does “Looking for Long Term, Open to Short” Mean?
Usually exactly what it says.
The person would ideally like a longer relationship but is open to dating connections that may not become one.
That does not necessarily mean they are unserious.
It means they are not requiring every match to have permanent potential before meeting.
Still confused?
Ask.
When you say you are open to short, what does that look like for you?
Dating apps give people a few little labels and somehow we expect them to explain an entire human relationship philosophy.
They cannot.
Sometimes you still have to talk.
Should You Ask “What Are You Looking For?” Before Meeting?
You can.
Especially if certain answers would immediately make you incompatible.
If you definitely want a serious relationship, it can save time to know the other person is definitely not looking for one.
You do not need to turn Message Five into an interrogation.
But something like:
By the way, what are you hoping to find on here?
is perfectly normal.
In fact, knowing this before spending forty minutes driving to meet someone can be pretty useful.
Should You Ask on the First Date Instead?
Also fine.
Sometimes this conversation feels much more natural face to face.
You are already talking about dating.
Someone asks:
So what made you get back on the apps?
That can easily lead to:
What are you hoping to find now?
No dramatic relationship meeting required.
It is just two people comparing intentions.
What If You Want Marriage Eventually?
You can say that without telling someone you expect them personally to marry you.
There is a huge difference between:
I am ultimately dating because I would like marriage and a family someday.
and:
I am looking to get married soon. What is your timeline?
The first tells someone your larger life goal.
Completely reasonable.
The second may be a conversation for later unless timing is particularly important to you.
You are allowed to know what kind of future you want.
The person you just matched with does not need to be cast in the role yet.
What If You Are Divorced and Looking for Something Serious Again?
You can be direct.
I have been married before, and I am not in a rush to repeat anything. But yes, I would like a committed relationship again with the right person.
That is actually a very clear answer.
It tells them you are not afraid of commitment.
You are simply more thoughtful about it now.
Or:
I am looking for something serious eventually. Having been through a divorce, I care much more about finding the right relationship than rushing into one.
Nothing weird about that.
What If You Have Kids?
If having children affects your availability or what you want from a future relationship, it is okay to mention that.
For example:
I have kids, so I am pretty intentional about dating. I would eventually like a serious relationship, but I move carefully.
That tells someone something real about your life.
You do not need to provide your entire family history in the first conversation.
What If You Only Want to Meet One Person at a Time?
Say it if it becomes relevant.
You might say:
I usually prefer getting to know one person at a time once there is a real connection. I am ultimately looking for a relationship.
That can help if you know multi dating makes you miserable.
You do not need to adopt whatever dating style seems most normal online.
You need one that works for you.
How Honest Should You Be This Early?
Honest.
Not exhaustive.
That is the difference.
They need to know whether you are looking for a relationship, something casual, or whether you are still unsure.
They do not need your complete relationship history.
They do not need the names of your last three exes.
They do not need a detailed list of everything you refuse to tolerate because of what happened in 2023.
Give them the useful part.
Save the autobiography for later.
If Their Answer Is Different From Yours, Do Not Try to Negotiate It
This one is important.
You say:
I am looking for a relationship.
They say:
I am definitely not looking for anything serious.
And your brain goes:
But we have such good chemistry. Maybe I could just see what happens.
You can.
But do not be surprised if what happens is exactly what they told you would happen.
People sometimes hear an incompatible answer and immediately start searching for loopholes.
Maybe they will change.
Maybe I am different.
Maybe once they know me.
Maybe.
But you should make your decision using the person who exists right now, not the person you hope they turn into later.
The Best Answer Is Usually Boringly Honest
I know.
You wanted a secret line.
Something irresistible.
Something that makes the other person think:
Wow. Nobody has ever answered that way before.
You do not need it.
If you want a relationship:
I am looking for something serious with the right person.
That works.
If you are open:
I am open to a relationship if the connection is right.
That works.
If you are not sure:
I am still figuring it out, but I am enjoying meeting people and seeing what feels right.
Also works.
The goal is not to win the question.
The goal is to make sure you do not spend the next two months dating someone who wanted something completely different from the beginning.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the best answer to “What are you looking for?” on a dating app?
The best answer is honest, short, and specific enough to explain your intentions. If you want a relationship, you can say, “I am looking for something serious with the right person, but I like getting to know someone naturally first.”
What should I say when a guy asks what I am looking for?
Tell him what you genuinely want rather than trying to guess what answer he prefers. If you want a relationship, say so in a relaxed way and ask what he is looking for too.
What should I say when a girl asks what I am looking for?
Be clear about whether you want a serious relationship, casual dating, or are still figuring things out. You do not need to oversell yourself or give the answer you think she wants.
How do you answer “What are you looking for on here?” without sounding desperate?
Try: “I am looking for a relationship with the right person. I am not trying to rush anything, but that is ultimately what I would like.”
How do you answer “What are you looking for?” if you want a serious relationship?
Say: “Something serious eventually. I want to get to know someone naturally and see if we are actually a good fit.”
What if I do not know what I am looking for on a dating app?
Be honest about that. You can say: “I am still figuring it out a little, but I am open to meeting someone and seeing what feels right.”
Is “seeing where things go” a bad answer?
Not necessarily, but it can be too vague. If you know you are open to a relationship, add that so the other person understands your intentions.
What does it mean if someone asks what you are looking for right away?
They may simply want to find out whether your dating goals match before investing more time in the conversation.
Should I say I want marriage on a dating app?
If marriage is an important long term goal for you, you can say so. You do not need to imply that you expect the specific person you just matched with to become your spouse.
Is it okay to say I am looking for a relationship on Tinder?
Yes. People use Tinder for different reasons, and being clear about wanting a relationship can help you find people looking for something similar.
Is it okay to say I want something serious on Bumble?
Yes. If you want something serious, saying that clearly can save both people time.
What should I say on Hinge when someone asks what I am looking for?
A simple answer works: “I am ultimately looking for a relationship, but I want to take the time to meet someone I really connect with.”
If You Just Want One Answer to Send Right Now
Use this:
I am looking for something that could become a real relationship if I meet the right person. I am not trying to rush anything though. What about you?
That answer works because it does three things.
It says what you want.
It does not put pressure on the person you just matched with.
And it asks them to tell you what they want too.
Because that is the part people forget.
You are not trying to provide the perfect answer so somebody decides you are dateable.
You are trying to figure out whether the two of you should be dating each other at all.
So answer honestly.
Then ask them back.
Their response might save you a whole lot more time than any clever dating app line ever could.
